At the start of my last post, I declared my intention to post more regularly. Seeing as it's been about 4 months since then, I have a ways to go before achieving that goal. I need to set myself some deadlines. I do better with deadlines.
I actually started this post almost two months ago. Had it all outlined. I only needed to fill in the pertinent details and add a bit of personality. This was, of course, before Covid-19 hit the big time. Now, much of that original outline is no longer relevant.
Like millions of others, I am at home, furloughed for the time being. Back in mid-March, during that weird week when the reality of quarantining and shelter-in-place orders became really real, I was incredibly angry and a little panicked. I had only just gotten financially stable enough that I could start rebuilding my savings again. And now I was being sent back to ground zero. I was a real crab as all this sank in.
Strangely enough, what most helped calm my initial fears was recognizing that my anger was not new anger. I have been angry constantly since December 2018, when I first started feeling the effects of post-seizure vertigo. Honestly, I've arguably been angry my entire life, but this recent bout of fury has a more tangible cause. Life as I knew it was completely upended, giving me a pile of concerns I'd never had before. Areas I'd believed secure were no longer safe. I lost autonomy. As confidently as I could express my gratefulness, I was also grieving the unfairness of it all.
The height of my anger was in early August, when the indignity of the second seizure was still fresh and I was deep into job search limbo. Fortunately, I soon got hired as a sales associate at Dillards. I also got a helpful counselor. (Thanks, BetterHelp.com!) The most intense rage has subsided, but the underlying anger persists. While my health is much improved, I am still prone to fatigue and dizziness when I overdo things. I am also wrestling with frustrating good news of passing every medical test they've tried on me. Having unanswered health questions hanging over my head is infuriating. It has forced me to make decisions that are wise in terms of my physical well-being, but offer little satisfaction otherwise. Things aren't bad, but I feel like I'm on pause. I'm tired of feeling on pause.
When Covid-19 arrived, I about had a temper tantrum. How unfair can we get?! Am I not allowed to make any progress????
via GIPHY
Thankfully, after some kind friends graciously tolerated my venting, I recognized that while a pandemic is absolutely a complete game-changer, for me personally, having an unexpected wrench thrown into the works is not a novel situation. I've been living with wrenches for a while now. It's familiar territory.
To be clear, I am not implying that any of this is easy. It's definitely not. I do, however, have experience with being in uncomfortable situations I cannot fix. As much as it sucks, I have learned to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Most days.
I've learned that the best thing I can do is to give myself permission to be sad and angry. For at least 36 of my 41 years on this planet, I did not do this. Even now, I resist. I have to intentionally tell myself that it is okay to be upset. It is okay to take the time to deal. For me, this step usually involves solitude. I regret the friends and family I neglect as retreat from the world. It is one of the main reasons I try to avoid this step. However, the truth is, I'm not a very good friend when I don't deal with my own rough emotions. I simply don't have the space.
At the time of writing this, I am feeling pretty good. Not happy, by any stretch, but good all the same. I'm taking the opportunity to run more. Previously, I was constantly worried about my "energy budget," afraid overdoing it would leave me dizzy and irritable during the days that followed. Now, if I find myself fuzzy-headed, I can stay in bed and no one else will have to deal with my crankiness.
Additionally, I've enjoyed talking to my oldest nephew and niece more. They keep me posted on the salamanders in the creek, the blossoms on the blackberry bushes, and the other adventures they have going on. They are very thorough in their updates.
Even with the positives, I do wish I could help more. I hate that this happened while I'm on sabbatical from teaching. Some days, I feel incredibly left out, and resent being on the sidelines. I do still tutor online, but that's anonymous. It's not the same as working with students I knew and had a relationship with.
Like millions of others, I am at home, furloughed for the time being. Back in mid-March, during that weird week when the reality of quarantining and shelter-in-place orders became really real, I was incredibly angry and a little panicked. I had only just gotten financially stable enough that I could start rebuilding my savings again. And now I was being sent back to ground zero. I was a real crab as all this sank in.
Strangely enough, what most helped calm my initial fears was recognizing that my anger was not new anger. I have been angry constantly since December 2018, when I first started feeling the effects of post-seizure vertigo. Honestly, I've arguably been angry my entire life, but this recent bout of fury has a more tangible cause. Life as I knew it was completely upended, giving me a pile of concerns I'd never had before. Areas I'd believed secure were no longer safe. I lost autonomy. As confidently as I could express my gratefulness, I was also grieving the unfairness of it all.
The height of my anger was in early August, when the indignity of the second seizure was still fresh and I was deep into job search limbo. Fortunately, I soon got hired as a sales associate at Dillards. I also got a helpful counselor. (Thanks, BetterHelp.com!) The most intense rage has subsided, but the underlying anger persists. While my health is much improved, I am still prone to fatigue and dizziness when I overdo things. I am also wrestling with frustrating good news of passing every medical test they've tried on me. Having unanswered health questions hanging over my head is infuriating. It has forced me to make decisions that are wise in terms of my physical well-being, but offer little satisfaction otherwise. Things aren't bad, but I feel like I'm on pause. I'm tired of feeling on pause.
When Covid-19 arrived, I about had a temper tantrum. How unfair can we get?! Am I not allowed to make any progress????
via GIPHY
My Temper
Thankfully, after some kind friends graciously tolerated my venting, I recognized that while a pandemic is absolutely a complete game-changer, for me personally, having an unexpected wrench thrown into the works is not a novel situation. I've been living with wrenches for a while now. It's familiar territory.
To be clear, I am not implying that any of this is easy. It's definitely not. I do, however, have experience with being in uncomfortable situations I cannot fix. As much as it sucks, I have learned to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Most days.
I've learned that the best thing I can do is to give myself permission to be sad and angry. For at least 36 of my 41 years on this planet, I did not do this. Even now, I resist. I have to intentionally tell myself that it is okay to be upset. It is okay to take the time to deal. For me, this step usually involves solitude. I regret the friends and family I neglect as retreat from the world. It is one of the main reasons I try to avoid this step. However, the truth is, I'm not a very good friend when I don't deal with my own rough emotions. I simply don't have the space.
At the time of writing this, I am feeling pretty good. Not happy, by any stretch, but good all the same. I'm taking the opportunity to run more. Previously, I was constantly worried about my "energy budget," afraid overdoing it would leave me dizzy and irritable during the days that followed. Now, if I find myself fuzzy-headed, I can stay in bed and no one else will have to deal with my crankiness.
Additionally, I've enjoyed talking to my oldest nephew and niece more. They keep me posted on the salamanders in the creek, the blossoms on the blackberry bushes, and the other adventures they have going on. They are very thorough in their updates.
 |
| Based on my nephew's description, the Spotted Salamander seems to be what they're keeping tabs on. http://herpsofarkansas.com/Salamander/AmbystomaMaculatum |
Even with the positives, I do wish I could help more. I hate that this happened while I'm on sabbatical from teaching. Some days, I feel incredibly left out, and resent being on the sidelines. I do still tutor online, but that's anonymous. It's not the same as working with students I knew and had a relationship with.
In conclusion, I am well, I am sad, and I am angry. I am choosing to keep optimistic, even when I don't want to be. I want to reach out more and I am sorry when I hesitate. I am uncomfortable and could be doing a million things better, but for now, it's okay to be where I am. I think...
Love to you all 💗
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